Thinking about the past, wondering what i should've done so that I don't regret what I am facing now. I came to a conclusion that it doesn't matter anymore. What was done was done. What should I do to fix it? Should I kill myself in hopes that my life will start all over again? I think not. However, I can try to move on and fix things that I have done or regretted. On the other hand, I can learn to accept the choices I've made in the past that made me where I am today. Sure, when I compare myself to other girls, I think "they are so much better than me, they will out shine me when it comes to getting a guy" But now, what does that matter anymore. Surely I will also find a guy who will find me shining like a north star in the mist of the dark black sky. Maybe, just maybe. Or these are just hopes in order to comfort myself. Nonetheless, I will try to improve myslef, by accepting what I have done that madde me what I am today. And the most important thing of all, stop fretting about what I could've done; worry about what I could do.

I was excited to get a interview at Hollister. I prepared so many things for it; what am i gonna wear, what i'm gonna say and etc. I even went on a hardcore diet so that I can lose weight for that job, hoping it would raise my chances on being hired. Those torturous 3 weeks was hard. But the results came slowly in the end. I was happy, confident that I could get this.
 Until when my beloved Justin fell sick. Even though i was prepared and excited for this day, I could not let my baby be own his own like this. Weak, sicken, pale. Even though he tried to be strong, urging me to go to the interview before it's too late, I know that he would prefer it if I was by his side. It was a choice I had to make. And even though it was a kinda hard decision, I needed to know Justin's health more than a job at Hollister. I guess I call this desnity. It was not my desnity to get a job at Hollister. And even if I went, I would not have gotten the job anyways because it was never meant for me.
I wish.......... I wish I could stay longer. I wish I could. I can but I cannot fring myself to ditch the many friends that I have not seen for ages. I wanted to bring him along. But he does not seem to want to go. I cannot blame him since he did not know any of the people and he cannot eat much anyways. But I just wanted to be by his side. But I am disappointed in myself that I cannot give him just that. I want to do something.. anything but it was such a bad time for this to happen since there are so many things going on these days. It sucks, to make scarfices and choices...  do not want to let down anyone. But it is impossible to be there and sastify everybodies needs. It is hard. But yet I cannot keep myself from feeling disappointed in myself for not being there when someone wants me to. I can only do the best I can for everybody but why am I still not sastified when I am sure that I had tried my best?

It came to realization to me today. This afternoon while I was talking on the phone and studying at the same time, we both realized that I cannot bring laughter to you. The best that I can do is make you smile. But, for me, a smile is not enough. I want to bring more emotions, more happiness in you life. Is it because I do not have the ability to do so? Am I just not the one? It pains me to think this so. Ever since that ephinany, I cannot stop thinking. It is always in my head, revolving. I thought that it didnt matter. But in reality it does. I care for you happiness the most but if I am the girl to bring it, then I want you to find some one else who will. I know that I cannot help you smile, laugh and be happy to the full potenial. I know that now. I'm sorry that I could not provide the same warmth and protection that you gave me. But I want to try my hardest to make you laugh and smile.

Your friends said that you have changed. I believe you did, but not for the worse. I think you've matured, and they do not see it that way. They just think that you weren't "fun" as you used to be. But what is fun? what makes things fun? Isn't it the people you hang out with matters the most? Even things weren't fun as they used to be, at least the people are still there, making moments and memories with you. Have you ever thought the things you do now, is the past of your future? So make your future by buliding your past. Stop being lazy because things would never get done that way. Change your bad habits for the better, keep your interests for motavation. And remember, love and cherish with all your heart.